Genealogical Irony

In genealogy we spend our time finding ancestral relationships. In the process we are thrilled when we stumble upon a living relative who shares our passion and we actually become not only extended family, but friends. Those are wonderful things that can happen to the genealogist. 

All family is important to us. Those who lived before us and those who are now living and those who are yet to come. We love them all, obviously on different levels.

So it is with irony, but very mixed emotions when I admit that this genealogist willingly and knowingly severed a family relationship. That person is still blood family. Even if there was a way to severe that tie, I wouldn't. But the emotional tie has been severed. 

I know a lot of people who have a healthy positive relationship with this person. My experience has been the opposite. The experiences of my children from this family member has been as equally negative. It was with a mixture of deep regret, regret for the dream of what our relationship should have been like, and relief, relief that I no longer have to pretend everything is wonderful, that I severed the relationship.

Anytime you divorce a spouse or a family member, you aren't mourning the relationship. If the relationship was there to begin with the divorce would not have happened. During these times the mourning is for the dream that we finally had to admit was nothing more than a dream, because that person had never full filled their end of the relationship roll. Perhaps neither of us full filled our rolls. 

The point is, it's usually a toxic relationship for at least one if not both parties involved. With that type of a relationship never really changes, it's time to end it. Sever it. Let each person lick their wounds, heal and get on with their lives, apart from each other.

May very few people ever have to do this in their life. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I didn't wish it on this family member either, but it's the only way for us to move past the damage that has been done. 

I still love the idea of what we should have been. 

I absolutely hate what we were though. I abhor the damage that was done. 

Now I'm going to pull my husband and children around me and let them help me heal. I hope that other person can pull their spouse and children around them and help them heal, too.